I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize