My first STD was from a foam party
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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