i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
