i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
