Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have already put on my inside pants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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