I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
