I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize