Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
