I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
