Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
