I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
