you traded sex for a burrito?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
