Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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