I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
