Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
