The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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