Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
