3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
