he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't turn off my feet"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
