Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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