My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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