everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
