Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
