At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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