My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
