I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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