im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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