your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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