I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
