My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
