Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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