dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
you had me at cake vodka
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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