Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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