Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
