see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
