guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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