I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
