OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
