trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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