Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
