Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
