I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
