So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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