I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
