he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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