my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
