Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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