you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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