there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
