god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
be right there i have to get my cape
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
