Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
