i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
