Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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