im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
