Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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