I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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